WASHINGTON—As his last term in office winds to a close, President Bush has directed White House aids and Cabinet staff to begin preparing for 2008, the nation’s 232nd and final year in existence.Read more…

NEW YORK—At a well-attended rally in front of his new Ground Zero headquarters Monday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani officially announced his plan to run for president of 9/11. Read more…

STOCKHOLM—2007 was an extraordinary year for former vice president Al Gore, who received the highest honors in both film and humanitarianism for his tireless efforts in creating a visually pleasing, hour-long slide-show presentation using the popular computer program Keynote. Read more…

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Overweight Penn State University freshman Kyle Norton cleared up any confusion about the future of his daily wardrobe Monday when he declared that, despite the recent drop in temperature, he will continue sporting the same mesh Penn State Lacrosse shorts and Birkenstock sandals he has worn since the start of the 2007–08 academic year. Read more…

WASHINGTON, DC—In an unexpected move that shocked White House staff and stunned the nation, President George W. Bush arrived unannounced at the Oval Office Monday. Read more..

Something is amiss in these United States. A pall cast over the land that forebodes a looming sense of dread. The laughter of average Americans is no more than a thin mask that barely conceals the anxiety we all feel. But to this, the greatest nation on Earth, I say: Why do you look so down in the mouth? Don’t you know that tomorrow is another day? You’re acting like there’s a war on, for Pete’s sake! And even if there is, you know what? That’s something you just can’t do anything about. So why dwell in Dumpsville when you can take a trolley to Happytown? Read more…

WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans and thousands of federal employees awoke Monday to find the national mail service in disarray after a group of rowdy teens on a joyride reportedly destroyed up to 90 percent of the postal service’s nationwide infrastructure with a baseball bat. Read more…

WASHINGTON—Barely two months after U.N. inspectors in Iran failed to find evidence of an active nuclear weapons program, the Department of Homeland Security uncovered new information Monday proving the Middle Eastern nation has obtained literally trillions of atoms—the same particles sometimes used to make atomic bombs—for unknown purposes. Read more…

JERUSALEM—Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals for salvation, Jesus Christ announced Monday the hiring of Tacoma, WA, customer-service supervisor Dean Smoler as Associate Christ. Read more…