NEW YORK—The 2008 Stackley Cup Playoffs, a set of odd-number-of-games series that will determine the champion of the National Huckie League, are well underway, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman confirmed Monday. Read more…

BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard announced his intentions to continue partying late Saturday evening, assuring onlookers that the multiple injuries he had sustained over the previous six hours did not require medical attention, and were not severe enough to prematurely end the festivities. Read more…

WASHINGTON, DC—Plagued by late fees, high interest rates, and harassing creditors, the U.S. took out a debt-consolidation loan Monday, combining the nation’s $6.1 trillion debt into a single, easy monthly payment. Read more…

LOS ANGELES—David Cavanaugh, best known as the guy who says “Previously on Heroes” at the beginning of the hit NBC program, revealed to reporters Tuesday that his true career ambition is to become the guy who says “Previously on Lost” on the popular ABC show Lost. Read more…

LOS ANGELES—A leading team of CGI experts hand-selected by blockbuster producer and director Michael Bay has pushed the limits of what can be accomplished with special effects and digital imaging by creating a computer- generated best-director Oscar for the 43-year-old filmmaker. Read more…

Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow

WASHINGTON—Amid allegations that his thoughtless and insensitive decisions have damaged his relationship with the nation, President George W. Bush vowed Monday that he would, starting now, “make everything better. Read more…

3-By-4 Plot Of Green Space Rejuvenates Neighborhood

DETROIT—Notorious for its abandoned buildings, industrial warehouses, and gray, dilapidated roads, Detroit’s Warrendale neighborhood was miraculously revitalized this week by the installation of a single, three-by-four-foot plot of green space.Read more…

Depressed Candidate Runs Attack Ad About Self

WASHINGTON—In the midst of a fiercely competitive presidential race with no clear Republican front-runner in sight, an increasingly depressed Mitt Romney shocked political insiders Monday when he released a new national attack ad targeting himself. Read more…

Al Gore Caught Warming Globe To Increase Box Office Profits

Dozens of eyewitness reports indicated that former vice president Al Gore deliberately attempted to raise the earth’s temperature in order to boost box office receipts for An Inconvenient Truth, his documentary film about global warming that was released in May. Read more…

Syria Attends Mideast Peace Talks For Free Continental Breakfast

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Despite years of diplomatic stalemate in the Mideast crisis, Syrian officials appeared eager to mend troubled Arab-Israeli relations this week by participating in a second round of U.S.-led peace talks, which feature representatives from every country in the region, as well as a complimentary continental breakfast in the hotel lobby. Read more…